The Betrothed
Part 28
Abby woke up the next morning alone. Stretching her hand over to feel Darrick’s side of the bed, she realized that he had never made it under the covers; not only was the cloth still cold, but the blankets on his side were still neatly tucked in. Puzzled, she lay silently for a while, listening to see if she could hear him moving about, but the only sound she could hear was the creaking of the old boarding house. Then, the memories of the previous night came flooding back.
He’s left me, she thought, feeling dead inside as she did so. He went out last night, and he’s never coming back. The thought was answered by others, and it felt to Abby as though they were coming from some place outside herself.
Of course he left you! You panic just from having to shop for paint, then you spend the rest of your day moping around. You’re pathetic! What use would he have for you? Abby pulled her pillow over her head to drown out the voice, but it was of course no avail.
He doesn’t really love you, you know. It’s just the bond. How could he love you if he had any choice in it? You’re just some silly, sheltered girl desperately faking the confidence you don’t have. What could he see in that? Just stay under the covers. Stay safe in bed. You’re just a millstone around his neck, might as well admit it. That’s all your worth anyway. Darrick would be better off without you.
“Please stop,” she pleaded in tears. “It’s not true. Darrick gave up everything for me, and I gave up everything for him. He loves me. It’s real.”
He never wanted to be bonded. He never wanted you. He told you himself. And now he’s stuck with you. You’re dead weight. You can’t do anything but lie around the house and take up his time. What are you? An artist? Where is your art? What can you contribute to him? To anybody? Everyone would be better off if you weren’t around. Your parents wouldn’t have to deal with your embarrassments any more, and Darrick could find someone to make him happy. Everyone would be happier if you were dead.
By now, Abby had no words with which to respond, and no energy to use them if she did. All she felt she could do is lie in the bed and weep, trying to make herself as small as possible, hoping that the voice would go away and leave her alone. In a way, she was glad Darrick was gone; she didn’t want him sullying his memories of her by seeing her like this. But she was not to get her wish. She heard the door to their living room open and Darrick enter noisily. She heard the plop as he tossed his jacket over a chair and the thud of his feet as he approached the small bedroom. He threw open the door with a loud bang and nearly ran to her bedside. Abby tried to cover herself with the blanket, but he enthusiastically tore it from her.
“Happy six-month anniversary!” he declared in a loud, clear voice. Abby winced, both at the noise and at the reminder. Six months. Surely he’s tired of me by now. “Want to start the celebration now?” He was in the bed a few seconds later, stripped of everything but his boxer shorts. It was only when he went to place a kiss on her lips and got her ear instead that he noticed something was wrong.
“What is it?” he said, the excitement in his voice undermining the concern. “I can’t believe you’re still in bed. Are you sick? You already slept so much last night.” Darrick barely gave his words time to form, rushing on to the next almost before finishing the last. Abby wondered how he could breathe, and wished she had one-tenth of his unusual energy. She herself could barely speak, but she summoned up enough willpower to answer.
“I’m not sick,” she said. “I don’t want to get up.” There was more to be said, of course, but she had exhausted her energy reserves with just those two statements.
“Why not?” Darrick asked, then rushed on before she could answer. “It’s our anniversary. We were going to do all sorts of things today!”
“I don’t feel like sex,” Abby replied.
“That’s a first,” Darrick replied, and Abby had to admit he was right. But she couldn’t deny how she felt, and right now she wanted nothing more than to be left alone. But the thought of being alone terrified her, and she reached out a hand to hold Darrick’s arm. “Abby, what’s wrong?”
“Don’t leave me, Darrick,” was all she could say. Any more, and she wouldn’t be able to restrain the despair inside her. He’s going to leave you. Leave you and be happy. It’s what you deserve. Abby could feel her heart racing again, her breath quickening.
“I’m not going to leave you,” Darrick said. “I want to celebrate with you. We can go out tonight, someplace nice. I got tickets to a concert at the Variety. And then we can go somewhere for a drink. It’s gonna be great! Come on, get up. Ow!” Throughout his speech, Abby had felt herself growing more and more panicky, her grip on Darrick’s arm tightening until she had finally hit his limit. At his final exclamation, she let him go and pulled her arm back under the covers as quickly as she could.
“I’m sorry, Darrick,” she said in alarm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please don’t be angry with me.” I’m groveling. What’s wrong with me? But she couldn’t stop herself. All she could feel was terror at the idea that she had hurt Darrick and he would leave her, while at the same time wishing that he would. Leave! Don’t see me in this state! She couldn’t bring herself to say it. She felt as though she were suffocating, the rational part of herself being submerged ever deeper and deeper into this frightened, quivering thing that she was becoming. With a huge effort of will, she managed to exert a little control.
“Darrick, please just go away for now,” she said, as calmly as she could. “I just . . . I need some rest. I promise I’ll be up for dinner tonight.” She even managed to coax a smile from her lips, though she feared it did not reach her eyes. “And, afterwards, I’ll let you have your way with me.” She leaned over and kissed him, and for a second, something stirred inside her. An old, familiar, welcome feeling. But then, it was gone, and she felt twice as empty and cold as before. Darrick started to respond, but before he could get too far, Abby rolled over and put her back to him. She heard him sigh.
“Okay, if that’s what you want,” he said. “Is there anything that you want?”
“Just go away,” she said, already face down in the pillow. She waited a few eternal, agonizing seconds, then she felt and heard him get up and leave. She suppressed the urge to cry out for him to come back, holding her breath until the door slammed shut once more.
Part 28
Abby woke up the next morning alone. Stretching her hand over to feel Darrick’s side of the bed, she realized that he had never made it under the covers; not only was the cloth still cold, but the blankets on his side were still neatly tucked in. Puzzled, she lay silently for a while, listening to see if she could hear him moving about, but the only sound she could hear was the creaking of the old boarding house. Then, the memories of the previous night came flooding back.
He’s left me, she thought, feeling dead inside as she did so. He went out last night, and he’s never coming back. The thought was answered by others, and it felt to Abby as though they were coming from some place outside herself.
Of course he left you! You panic just from having to shop for paint, then you spend the rest of your day moping around. You’re pathetic! What use would he have for you? Abby pulled her pillow over her head to drown out the voice, but it was of course no avail.
He doesn’t really love you, you know. It’s just the bond. How could he love you if he had any choice in it? You’re just some silly, sheltered girl desperately faking the confidence you don’t have. What could he see in that? Just stay under the covers. Stay safe in bed. You’re just a millstone around his neck, might as well admit it. That’s all your worth anyway. Darrick would be better off without you.
“Please stop,” she pleaded in tears. “It’s not true. Darrick gave up everything for me, and I gave up everything for him. He loves me. It’s real.”
He never wanted to be bonded. He never wanted you. He told you himself. And now he’s stuck with you. You’re dead weight. You can’t do anything but lie around the house and take up his time. What are you? An artist? Where is your art? What can you contribute to him? To anybody? Everyone would be better off if you weren’t around. Your parents wouldn’t have to deal with your embarrassments any more, and Darrick could find someone to make him happy. Everyone would be happier if you were dead.
By now, Abby had no words with which to respond, and no energy to use them if she did. All she felt she could do is lie in the bed and weep, trying to make herself as small as possible, hoping that the voice would go away and leave her alone. In a way, she was glad Darrick was gone; she didn’t want him sullying his memories of her by seeing her like this. But she was not to get her wish. She heard the door to their living room open and Darrick enter noisily. She heard the plop as he tossed his jacket over a chair and the thud of his feet as he approached the small bedroom. He threw open the door with a loud bang and nearly ran to her bedside. Abby tried to cover herself with the blanket, but he enthusiastically tore it from her.
“Happy six-month anniversary!” he declared in a loud, clear voice. Abby winced, both at the noise and at the reminder. Six months. Surely he’s tired of me by now. “Want to start the celebration now?” He was in the bed a few seconds later, stripped of everything but his boxer shorts. It was only when he went to place a kiss on her lips and got her ear instead that he noticed something was wrong.
“What is it?” he said, the excitement in his voice undermining the concern. “I can’t believe you’re still in bed. Are you sick? You already slept so much last night.” Darrick barely gave his words time to form, rushing on to the next almost before finishing the last. Abby wondered how he could breathe, and wished she had one-tenth of his unusual energy. She herself could barely speak, but she summoned up enough willpower to answer.
“I’m not sick,” she said. “I don’t want to get up.” There was more to be said, of course, but she had exhausted her energy reserves with just those two statements.
“Why not?” Darrick asked, then rushed on before she could answer. “It’s our anniversary. We were going to do all sorts of things today!”
“I don’t feel like sex,” Abby replied.
“That’s a first,” Darrick replied, and Abby had to admit he was right. But she couldn’t deny how she felt, and right now she wanted nothing more than to be left alone. But the thought of being alone terrified her, and she reached out a hand to hold Darrick’s arm. “Abby, what’s wrong?”
“Don’t leave me, Darrick,” was all she could say. Any more, and she wouldn’t be able to restrain the despair inside her. He’s going to leave you. Leave you and be happy. It’s what you deserve. Abby could feel her heart racing again, her breath quickening.
“I’m not going to leave you,” Darrick said. “I want to celebrate with you. We can go out tonight, someplace nice. I got tickets to a concert at the Variety. And then we can go somewhere for a drink. It’s gonna be great! Come on, get up. Ow!” Throughout his speech, Abby had felt herself growing more and more panicky, her grip on Darrick’s arm tightening until she had finally hit his limit. At his final exclamation, she let him go and pulled her arm back under the covers as quickly as she could.
“I’m sorry, Darrick,” she said in alarm. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please don’t be angry with me.” I’m groveling. What’s wrong with me? But she couldn’t stop herself. All she could feel was terror at the idea that she had hurt Darrick and he would leave her, while at the same time wishing that he would. Leave! Don’t see me in this state! She couldn’t bring herself to say it. She felt as though she were suffocating, the rational part of herself being submerged ever deeper and deeper into this frightened, quivering thing that she was becoming. With a huge effort of will, she managed to exert a little control.
“Darrick, please just go away for now,” she said, as calmly as she could. “I just . . . I need some rest. I promise I’ll be up for dinner tonight.” She even managed to coax a smile from her lips, though she feared it did not reach her eyes. “And, afterwards, I’ll let you have your way with me.” She leaned over and kissed him, and for a second, something stirred inside her. An old, familiar, welcome feeling. But then, it was gone, and she felt twice as empty and cold as before. Darrick started to respond, but before he could get too far, Abby rolled over and put her back to him. She heard him sigh.
“Okay, if that’s what you want,” he said. “Is there anything that you want?”
“Just go away,” she said, already face down in the pillow. She waited a few eternal, agonizing seconds, then she felt and heard him get up and leave. She suppressed the urge to cry out for him to come back, holding her breath until the door slammed shut once more.
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